Mother's Day Massage (or that time I ended up naked at the mall...)

Just a head's up...Today's post has absolutely nothing to do with crafting, sewing, or even cute kids, but I had an experience over the weekend that was just too disturbing hilarious strange unbelievable not to share. So if you're here for the sewing, Thanks for visiting, but you'll need to stop back later in the week. The rest of you try not to pee your pants as you laugh at me my situation.

Most of you know that my kids are both too small to be interested in giving Mother's Day gifts. That task falls solely to my husband who is know to be an absolutely horrible gift giver. Please don't think I'm husband bashing here. He fully admits to it! This is an on going and well documented issue that has taken me years to come to terms with. Now I just make lists and give explicit instructions about what will and will not constitute a proper gift.  (That may make me sound like a jerk, but when you get a towel for your Birthday you'll understand.)
So what does any of this have to do with me being naked at the mall? I'm getting there. I promise. 

Last year for Mother's Day, Corbin had just been born, and I was busy with other worries. I never gave Ant any kind of list or ideas about what to get me. I assumed we would just skip the whole thing and carry on, but evidently Ant had other plans. Instead I received a gift certificate for a hour massage. You're probably thinking "Wow, that's great! I'd love to get a massage!", and I'd say the same if I hadn't told Ant the last time he sent me for a massage that it wasn't something I enjoy. I don't mind getting my nails done, and heavens knows that I need my hair cut, but massages are just not my thing. And there's also a catch. The place I'm being sent to is in our local mall.
Now I try my darnedest not to be judgmental, but this is not a fancy mall. The place I'm going has a Yin-Yang symbol in place of the O in it's name for cryin' out loud! Can you picture the kind of place I'm talking about? Are you cringing a little? Yeah. So I conveniently "forgot" about the gift certificate until the last possible moment. And then three days before the expiration date, I finally sucked it up and went. 

Here are just a few of the awesome highlights of my adventure...
Picture a single room with purple and school bus yellow walls and thin marroon carpet. The massage stations (5 of them) are divided emergency room style by curtains hung on tracks from the ceiling. But these aren't single length curtains like in the hospital. Oh no. These are many short panels held together here and there by binder clips. (yes, the black ones from the office store.) The tables themselves are the standard kind with the hole for your face, but they are covered with a kind of tissue paper (similar again to the hospital). And of course there is that essential "tranquility" music competing with the Seal and Whitney Huston that is being piped through the Mall speakers.

Now comes the good part...
My Massage therapist (is that what you call them?) leads me to one of the cubbies and tells me to strip and lay down. Ok, standard procedure I guess, but I'm hardly paying attention to her heavily accented directions as I take in her outfit. She is definitely rocking the brightest yellow polo I have ever seen in my life along with a pair of leopard print velour pajama pants. I'm so distracted by this, and the fact that I can see the man in the next cubby through the gaps in the curtains that I don't even notice there is no towel, blanket, piece of tissue paper, nothing to cover myself with. Sweet!
I'm admittedly not the most modest person alive, and nudity doesn't bother me in the least, but I try to adhere to what's socially acceptable and not flash strangers at random. So I wait for her to return thinking that she just forgot to leave something for me. I'm wrong, and she didn't. I'm told again to strip and she stands right there in front of me as I shimmy awkwardly out of my jeans. At this point I'm thanking my lucky stars tht I wore boy shorts instead of something more....um...less. I quickly ditch my shirts and bra as she goes off again, and press my face down into the lovely select-a-size paper towel that is being used to protect the face hole from what I can only imagine is my sweat and..er...drool?
Are you dying yet? Because I sure thought I was! But don't worry. It gets even better.

We haven't even started the massage yet...
She covers me with what has to be the smallest, most scratchy bath towel  (maybe it was a jumbo hand towel) I have ever seen and pulls out a giant pink bottle of "massage lotion" (aka Johnson's baby lotion with the label peeled off.) This is gonna be awesome! (insert as much sarcasm as humanly possible into the previous phrase!) All I can do is lay there thinking "Well, I'm committed now, so lets get this over with..." And that's when she pulls my drawers down exposing a good two thirds of my rear end. I kid you not! The only part that was previously left uncovered by my shorts (the bottom peaky-out-y bit) is now the only part left covered by those same underpants. I'm covered in goose bumps doing everything I can not to bust out laughing.
Until I hear her talking to another customer who has come into the store requesting a massage. THE CURTAIN ISN'T EVEN CLOSED!
Anyone who just happens to wander by is totally seeing me laying there with my butt bare to the world! Now I'm finished laughing. I'm too busy counting down the minutes until this is all over and I can go home and strangle my wonderful husband. (oh, and writing this post in my head of course) How could anyone in their right mind imagine this as a relaxing situation?
"See you next time" she says as I leave...Yeah that's never gonna happen!

Needless to say Ant  felt absolutely terrible when I got home and told him about my experience. He couldn't stop apologizing all afternoon. But at least now I know what I'm getting him for Father's Day!
So, what would you have done? Am I overreacting and this is how massages normally go? What is the worst gift you've ever gotten? Let me hear it. I need to know I'm not the only one!

*Disclaimer- I have absolutely no problem with mall stores, massage therapists, nice little asian ladies, or husbands. I just found myself in this completely ridiculous situation and wanted to share!)

Tip of the Week - Pattern Weights

Try using weights in place of pins when 

cutting out your patterns

I posted about these last year when I made them, but my set has been so useful that I thought they should be 

included on this list. It's definitely something I wish someone had introduced me to earlier!

Pattern weights are pretty much anything that you can use to weigh down your pattern so you don't actually have to pin it to the fabric when cutting it out. (usually with a rotary cutter) They sell weighted bags specifically for this purpose, but I have seen people use pretty rocks, tile coasters, random chunks of metal, piles of coins, cans of food, homemade bean bags filled with anything from rice to BB pellets, butter knives, fishing sinkers, and even the obvious choice...paperweights. Mine are made from piles of extra large washers from the hardware store, but you can use anything you have around the house that is heavy enough to stay put while you're cutting.

What do you prefer? Weights? or Pins?
Take a look at the previous Tip of the Week posts!

April Crushes

Books: The Infernal Devices Series

I've finished books one and two, but an still waiting for the third to become available at my library.

Not sure how to describe them, other than a steampunk, mystery, love triangle, meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

But I liked it! You can check out my reviews for these and some of my other favorite books on Goodreads.

TV & Movies: Once Upon a Time

I know it's already time for the season finale, but we've just now gotten caught up on Season 2. Somehow our DVR manage to record all the episodes except four through nine, so we've been planning to have to wait  for the discs from Netflix. Luckily I found the website below, and we've been cramming the entire season into the past 2 weeks. I'm super not liking this Tamara character by the way!

Website:I found this site while trying to locate our missing Once episodes on youtube (sneaky I know), and was sure that it would end up being something really sketchy and virus filled. Ant checked it out, and we were able to watch all our episodes without any problems. I'm still not entirely sure how it works, but it seems like they have tons of shows and movies to choose from, and I didn't even have to sign up for anything. I did notice that some of the movies are not full length though, so you might want to check the time counter or just scroll across to make sure the credits are at the end. (I admit I got sucked into the ending of Eclipse when I was testing it out...darn shirtless Jacob!)

Food: Strawberries

I still don't know why Costco always seems to have the best produce in the area,

but when that pallet of strawberries shows up it is always a good day.

Kids: Dandelions

This may seem like an odd thing to enjoy, but the fluffy "wish" dandelions around our house have been keeping the kids really busy for the past few weeks. I'm sure the allergy sufferers are pretty ticked off at us, but Reli can spend hours working on these things! It takes us longer than usual to take a walk, but sometimes a little peace and quiet is worth a few sniffles and some zyrtec.

Adults: Vintage Tees

It's time to bust out the short sleeves, and I've finally had a reason to pop the tags off the Old Navy Vintage tee's that I bought last year!  How sad is that? I love how soft they are, although I do wish that they came in a few more colors. How do they expect me to complete my wardrobe without a teal one? Oh well. There's always purple.

Just for Fun: Lover Lover by Jerrod NeimanIf there is one song guaranteed to get me shakin' around like a fool, singing at the top of my lungs...this is it.I remember the original by Sonia Dada from waaaaaay back (20 some years ago), and still knew every word the second I heard it on the radio. I've also always loved the guys who sing the super low bass, but that could just be my country roots and The Oak Ridge Boys.
What did you like best about April?

Tip of the Week - How to cut patterns perfectly (even on striped knit fabric)

Use freezer paper to help cut out difficult pattern pieces.

And by "difficult" I mean anything with stripes, plaids, slippery fabric, fiddly shaped pieces, knits, sheers, and pretty much anything else you'd want to try it on! This is one of my personal favorites, because it's such a pain to work with pins and small children in the same room. And if I don't get the entire pattern laid out during one sitting, (like that ever happens) I don't have to worry about pieces shifting or blowing away. They are stuck right where I put them until I get around to cutting them out. (No matter how many weeks that may take!)

Choose your pattern, and trace it onto the flat (non-shiny) side of a piece of freezer paper.

If you are working with printed or striped fabric add markings to the paper

that will help you align the pattern pieces with the stripes or repeats.

(my stripes are 1/2 inch apart so I drew lines every 1 1/2 inches)

Cut your pattern piece from the freezer paper and align it properly on the fabric.

Carefully iron the pattern piece in place shiny side down.

Cut out you pieces without worrying about anything shifting!

Peel the freezer paper from your fabric and continue with your sewing. How cool is that?You can even re-iron the same pattern piece multiple times without it loosing it's "stickiness".
*Special note - If you are working with knit or a more delicate fabric, be extra careful to peel the paper off very, Very slowly to avoid stretching the piece out of shape.
Don't forget to check out the previous Tip of the Week posts to learn more awesome sewing tricksor follow the Tip of the Week pinterest board to keep up with all the new information!Happy Friday!
PS. I've been posting a few sneak peeks on Twitter of the new patterns I'm working on. Feel free to stopover and let me know what you think. I'm still trying to finalize all the details and would love your input!